Because He lives

I cannot remember how many times I have to cry while singing this hymn. Esp the 2nd verse that speaks about holding a new born baby part, and how the future of that child is really unknown, but hope is instilled because He lives.

Having fought the battle against postnatal depression, the diagnosis of ASD in James thrown me back into depression, yes, again. These could well be one of the darkness days of my life (so far). How can I appreciate "Because He lives" when i feel my emotions as thin as a thread waiting to give away? Does mentally knowing God holding the future gives me a hope to live on? Huh, this blog is for me, not James. (trying hard to be irrelevant not to answer the question). BUT, ultimately everything is in God's hand. Sometimes His purpose is still beyond our comprehension. Well, time to read and meditate more.

A poem

WHILE HE IS SLEEPING
I had a special little child not so very long ago.
Since then my life's been different in ways I could not know.
He isn't like other kids, who happily run to school.
He cannot play the games they play or understand the rules.

But when my child is sleeping he's just like you and I I sit beside his bed at night and sing a lullaby.
When others stare at this little boy it wounds me deep inside.
They cannot know how much it hurts or see the pain I hide.
And when the other children simply turn and walk away.
I watch him sitting all alone while they run around and play.
But when my child is sleeping he's just like you and me.
I hold his hand and tell him all the things that he can be.
I never thought I that I would bear a special child like this.
It broke my heart to think about all the things that we would miss.
I used to feel so sad inside and I cried a million tears I wanted so much more for him than the pity of his peers.

You see......when my child is sleeping he's just like you and I.
I say a prayer each evening "God bless this little guy."
It's hard to see your little one as he tries to understand.
And it hurts inside when other kids wont lend a helping hand.
But we've grown together in such a way that other mother's can never know.
And I wouldn't trade him for the world because I love him so.
Because, when my child is sleeping he's just like me and you.
I'm blessed to have this little child and I know he loves me too.

c. Sally Meyer 2001

The cost

Have been thinking about the $$ amount that needs to go in help BJ. Peer pressure amounting. All the analyses that were supposed to help. Diet therapy. I dun do lots of these, so am I losing out, will BJ lose out if he does not get the right treatment? I simply do not have a clue. He is 1 month away from his 4th birthday. Wnat is the next milestones for him, I ponder.

Now that I teach to supplement income, there are nights when I come back to only find him fast asleep. What guilt I experience as a mum who is not there to sing lullabies.

Still confused about a lot of things. Mind not connecting with lots of information and decision making processes.

Time to sleep mummy.